Tag Archives: dating

Trust me, you don’t want to know

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Despite how many photos I post on Facebook or how many times I may like the status updates of my friends, I actually don’t spend a lot of time on the social networking site.

In fact, if I didn’t have to keep it up for work-related purposes, I’d probably deactivate my account and spend more time watching “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

As a writer, though, I’ve found Facebook and other social networking sites to be very helpful tools. I can connect with readers and editors, I can promote blog posts, and I can meet people interested in the same things I am (namely food, travel and small dogs).

And — let’s be honest here — I can, ahem, do research, too.

Oh, we’ve all done it. We’ve looked up old flames, searched for past crushes, voyeur-ed through the photo albums of crazy ex-coworkers.

And among my single friends, Facebook has become the go-to way to learn more about a potential mate. Call it “pre-dating.”

According to a survey of singles by Match.com, 48 percent of women research a guy on Facebook before the first date. Some women say it saves time; others admit they’re just curious. Whatever the reason, though, Facebook-stalking can backfire — and bad.

Experts have said trolling online for intel may kill the romance, may influence you too early and inaccurately, and may cause you to be too judgmental.

And, at least in my experience, you might learn too much.

Like my single girlfriend who Facebook-stalked a guy she was starting to see — and found photos of handwritten cards he had given his ex-girlfriend that were so sweet and thoughtful, she felt enough of a twinge of jealousy that she never returned his phone calls. The relationship was over before it even started.

Sometimes knowing too much — or finding out about things too soon — isn’t helpful in starting relationships. I’d rather not know about the anniversary dinners he spent with an ex-girlfriend or the snowboarding trips he went on with another woman he dated. It’s too much information — and photos are just too tangible to forget.

I can see the temptation in voyeur-ing into people’s lives, especially those you’re keenly interested in on an emotional level. But I can’t see any good coming out of knowing what someone you’re starting to date did three months ago or how he spent Christmas in 2009.

I’d rather he tell me about his previous relationships than have to see it spread out all over Facebook.

It’s not that the less you know, the better. I think it’s the less you see, the better.

Agree?

Comments { 8 }

What would you flirt for?

flirting

Last night I was having dinner with a few guy friends when the subject of flirting came up.

And in relation to food.

Here’s the story: one of my friends goes to a little sushi shop and flirts with the owner who, in turn, gives him extra spicy ahi and salad. The other day he even got avocado on his spicy tuna roll.

“I ask, ‘How’s business?’ and tell her her sushi is the best,” my friend said, smiling. “I’m not lying.”

We had been talking about female students flirting with male teachers to get better grades when this story came up. He was making the point that guys can flirt to — and they should when it comes to food.

I supposed we’ve all been a little, well, friendly to get better service or price. In fact, studies have shown — one out of the University of California, Berkeley last year — that being flirtatious gets us further faster, particularly in the office.

Flirting can be fun, let’s be honest, but I don’t know if I’d feel good about feigning niceness just to get something out of it. (In the case of my friend, however, he really IS nice, so he wasn’t pretending. He was just pouring it on a little thick.) Have I done it? I’m sure, especially if you count the nights during my post-college years when my girlfriends and I would close down bars. But I don’t think I could do it — and get away with it — anymore.

So I ask you: what would you flirt for? An extra scoop of rice?

Comments { 9 }
Pets over partner?

Pets over partner?

The other day NBC’s “Today” asked the question: “Who would you choose: your sweetheart or your pet?”

And even me, a die-hard pet owner, was surprised by the results of the online poll.

An whopping 84.5 percent of respondents — and there were hundreds! — said they would pick their pets over their mates.

Here were some of the comments:

Pets give you unconditional love and will be there until death, but the minute you’re of no use to people or start looking ugly, you’re SOL!

Men have come and gone, but my bulldogs are here to stay! They are ALWAYS loyal and give unconditional love!

I recently had a ‘sweetheart’ who ‘encouraged’ me to give up my collie. I kept the one who offered unconditional love.

I have to admit, it’s a tough question. I would question the intentions of any guy who asked me to choose between him and my pooches. (It’s not like my dogs would do that.)

It’s like anything else when it comes to relationships: things have to fit. And for some, that may mean a life with dogs (or cats or rats or whatever). We shouldn’t have to sacrifice so much in our lives to be with anyone.

At least that’s what I think.

Anyone else got an opinion? Anyone had to make this decision?

***

To read all of Cat’s blogs, visit www.nonstophonolulu.com/thedailydish. Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@nonstophonolulu.com.

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Friends with benefits

Friends with benefits

There’s a new movie that looks at the age-old rom-com question: Can friends have sex without it getting complicated?

In “No Strings Attached,” Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman play longtime friends who become FWBs — friends with benefits — because they don’t think they can handle (or want) the demands of a committed relationship. (Read the review in the Christian Science Monitor here.)

The concept has sparked — or, should I say, re-sparked — conversations about “friends with benefits” and whether they actually work.

From reading blogs posts and comments to listening to my friends talk about it, it seems the concept is great — as a concept. FWBs don’t last, and often times exactly what the couple had hope to avoid — feelings getting in the way — is exactly what happens.

Like Salon.com’s Tracy Clark-Flory posed, “Given the high stakes, why do we do it?”

Her former “friend fling” shared his take: “Because the idea of sex without consequences is the most awesome thing on the planet … It’s that delicious, delicious mixture of freedom and dependability. You have somebody you can rely on, you have a safety net, you have somebody you can call when you’re lonely — but you have none of the consequences. You get to not commit but still kinda be committed.”

But what’s a relationship without consequences? No, I’m serious. What’s anything in this life without strings attached? Don’t we want strings? They connect us to people, to experiences, they give value and meaning to our lives.

Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t think these empty relationships are worth the time, effort and potentially damaging outcomes. Sure, it sounds easy and fun and great — but do they really work? Really?

***

To read all of Cat’s blogs, visit www.nonstophonolulu.com/thedailydish. Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@nonstophonolulu.com.

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Comments { 12 }
How do you know, you know?

How do you know, you know?

As soon as I saw the preview, I knew I wanted to see the movie.

“How Do You Know,” a new romantic comedy directed by James L. Brooks, centers around a 31-year-old Olympic softball player (played by Reese Witherspoon) who’s torn between two men: the professional pitcher-playboy (Owen Wilson) or the nice-guy businessman (Paul Rudd).

The movie is supposed to answer the question — reviews, like the one in the New York Times, say the movie failed to do that — “How do you know when you’re in love?” Or, maybe, “How do you know who’s — or what’s — best for you?”

It’s an interesting question, actually, especially when you’re at a point in your relationship when you need to make that big decision. Is this person right for you? Can I imagine my life without him? Is she the one?

When I worked as a reporter for The Honolulu Advertiser, one of my jobs was to write “Love Stories,” weekly articles about newlyweds. I always focused on how they met — and part of that was finding out when they knew they wanted to marry the other person. Everyone has a different story. One guy said he knew she was the one for him when she happily agreed to go to an important football game with him — and she hated the sport. Another woman said she knew her husband was worth marrying when she saw how he interacted with her children.

So I’m throwing it out there: how do you know? What is it about the other person that made you decide, “Hmm, I think this one’s a keeper”?

***

To read all of Cat’s blogs, visit www.nonstophonolulu.com/thedailydish. Follow Cat on Twitter @thedailydish or send her an e-mail at cat@nonstophonolulu.com.

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