I was waiting for the boneless chicken plate lunch I had just ordered from Rainbow Drive-In when a young guy in a baseball cap cocked to one side walked up to me and said the one word no thirty-something woman wants to hear.
He called me “ma’am.”
As in the abbreviated version of “madam.” Which, by definition, can mean either a respectful term for “lady” or the female head of a house of prostitution. Take your pick.
Neither definition really appealed — or applied — to me.
Of course, I went directly to Twitter, posting, “Damn, I just got called “ma’am” again.” A few people responded, offering emotional support and words of advice. To which I posed the follow-up question, “Since when did I become a ma’am?”
Lunarre Omura (@lunarre) quickly responded: “A couple years after you stop getting carded buying booze… and a few years before you stop giving a crap.”
Well said.
Somewhere between earning a master’s degree and getting arthritis in my spine, I went from the young kid in the newsroom to “aunty.” And it’s a bit depressing.
What’s even worse is I stumbled across a blog posted on the AARP site — yes, as in the organization that caters to folks over 50 — entitled, “Don’t Call Me Ma’am.”
Written by a woman who’s in her 50s and has a son almost my age.
And here’s what she wrote about being called “ma’am” by a server at a restaurant:
Would I be ok being “Ma’am” at 90? Sure, that will be ok. 80? Probably. 70? Possible. 60? Unlikely. 50-something? What was it about being called ‘Ma’am’ that made me want to punch the waiter in the face?
I wonder how she’d feel if she were called ma’am at my age!
Look, I’m not afraid of getting older. In fact, I’ve enjoyed my 30s more than any other decade so far. I feel like people take me seriously, they value my opinion, I’m not just some young kid who doesn’t know anything. I’m 38. I’ve lived.
And while I’m no spring chicken, I’m not a dying hen waiting to be plucked and deboned, either.
Call me ma’am when I’m 60 and deserve it. For now, Catherine is fine.
28 Comments
WOW… sensitive subject eh Cat? You would absolutely have a hard time living in the South presently. I frankly think you do mind getting older, nothing wrong with that feeling either. It will inspire you to stay young in all the right ways. Note to file, ever meet Cat in HNL forget polite upbringing.
Old post, but I’m hoping I can still reply. Probably will never been seen but who cares, after a half litre of peach wine.
I disagree, David, that it’d be more difficult living in the South, where ‘ma’am’ is more a sign of respect, rather than a term of arrogant diminishment …. as it seems to be here in the North. I am 50, though I think in the upper third, maybe, of ‘not completely matronly looking’, and being called ‘ma’am’ here makes my skin crawl, as it seems to be said with an almost malevolent contempt of the aging process (as it was to me, tonight). I’m pretty sure that if I were called ‘ma’am’ in the South, it’d be a whole different story, since probably every female over the age of 20 is a ‘ma’am’ down there, and it’s just part and parcel of that culture’s inherent old-school system of respect. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest; would seem normal. Unless, of course it was said by some creepy, bland, complacent one-dimensional millenial at the Apple Store, who was pushing 40.
Hello Cat,
Is Cat okay? Just want to make sure you won’t get mad at me when I call you Cat… lol
CAT: Military members are required to address all females of the officer rank as “Ma’am”. This is the female version of “Sir” when addressing one of the officer rank. There may be some connection here but not sure. It can be confusing for younger people…ms. mrs., miss, lady, aunty, etc. Ma’am appears to cover all the bases since it is a symbolic of respect more so than age. When they call you “oba-san” then you know you have reached the pinnacle!!LOL
@Anoddah Dave – “Oba-san” is aunty; “Obaa-san” is gramma.
When servers/young whippersnappers call me “ma’am,” it stings, but I let it pass. They mean well. I remember when I used to call women “ma’am,” & I figure it’s payback. When a server/clerk/YW calls me “miss,” I praise him/her highly – someone has taught them right.
I remember when I was first called “uncle” by someone who didn’t appear to be much younger than me. It was the lack of apparent age difference that triggered my reaction. I pity the person unwise enough to call me “grandpa.”
per Webster (the short dude, not the long book), “ma’am” sounds like “mom” so it’s a sign of affection Maybe the guy at rainbows thought you looked like his mom? ok, you probably don’t like that one, either. maybe you send out a vibe that one day, in the future, when you’re old enough, you’d make a good mother.
i feel your pain. i’m a year younger than you and i remember being in my 20’s when someone first called me ma’am! i was horrified. as for the comments above – if we were in the south or being addressed by someone in the military, i’d be more ok with it because like you said, that’s how it is. BUT that’s very different than junior millenial at macy’s/zippy’s calling me ma’am.
i love lunarre’s summary. very astute. except i still cringe a little when i hear it.
Hey Cat … I don’t think you or any woman should take offense to being called ma’am, at least in Hawaii … as my experience goes … I think locals tend to use ma’am as the generic, respectful, non-specific word to address an older woman … and I mean older as in “older than they are” and not just generally “old” …
… because the other general word “miss” … doesn’t quite come off the way it might be intended … in fact, calling a lady “miss” more often seems a bit sassy …
… would you rather be called honey??? … now that would be insulting …
… maybe this blog needs to be called The Grimalkin Dish … *gasp* …
… kidding!!! …
… apologies!!! …
It depends on your perception. A youngster calling you “ma’am”
tells me that he was raised correctly, and addressed you with respect.
Hey Cat,
Might be better if we all became Japanese by always putting San at the end of a name. If I visited the Toth household where everybody is a Toth, then you become Cat-san, your brother becomes “whatever his name is”-san & so on… Would never happen in the US, because of our European-leaning sense of etiquette.
Jus’ a thought Ma’am (nah, nah, sorry eh!–no hit)
Was the person who called you Ma’am an acquaintance? If not, how would he know to call you Catherine? What would be appropriate and inoffensive to most women?
Personally, I think Ma’am is not only acceptable, but a very polite way to address a female stranger – equivalent to “Sir.” (I’m not from the South and have never been in the military).
I don’t think Ma’am or Sir are related to age. I often use them when addressing a stranger, even someone who appears younger than me (which is just about everyone).
Aunty and Uncle are clearly age-related, and it gave me quite a shock the first time I was called Aunty. Especially since the speaker appeared to be no more than a decade younger than me! But I’ve come to accept it in the spirit it’s meant, as a culturally-appropriate sign of respect.
The one that bothers me is “Young Lady.” Inevitably this is said with a patronizing smirk by salesmen (always men!) who seem to be stuck in a 1950’s time warp, where women are considered over-the-hill at 30. (But I’ve become less irritated with it since noticing that Jon Stewart sometimes addresses male guests as “Young Man.”)
Anyway, the real question here is: what is the most appropriate, polite way to address a stranger?
30 yrs ago, my Texas friend Gary, used to call all women ‘Ma’am. the older women found him to be ‘such a nice and respectful young man’. the young women swooned. but that’s the way the girls are from Texas
I guess if I were in Texas, it’d be all good. Yehaw!
How nice of that young man to address you in such a respectful manner. Sure, it’s hard to adjust to the new status, but “ma’am” is kind and so much better than “hey you,” “lady,” or nothing at all. That’d probably be another post entirely! As previously mentioned, it’s totally common in the South. We raise our kids to learn “sir” and “ma’am” as well. Props to that well-raised youngster and his parents.
I guess it’s better than “Miss.” My students used to call me that. I didn’t care for it, actually.
I had a similar experience to what you’re reflecting. About a year ago a young fella’ working as cashier at Don Quijote called me “Uncle”, which I took it as good as calling me “Gramps” or “Tata”. My initial reaction was “well, that was a first!”. Yet it didn’t bother me at all, as I’m a realist about my age. I’m getting older, can’t change that.
I’m in my mid-40s now, and feel as good physically as I did in my 20s, especially now that I’ve gotten back in shape (HWP). Yet MENTALLY, I feel MUCH better now than when I was in my 20s, feeling more self-confident and focused than I did back then.
I will say as a man, women in general are much more attracted to me now in my 40s than when I was in my 20s.
We’ll have to have this conversation again 10 years later when you’re 48 and I’m 55. 😉
Ack, 48! Don’t even talk about it, Uncle!
Oh, one more thing…
Being my sisters are much older than me, most of my nieces and nephews are very close in age to me. And I’ve NEVER liked them calling me “Uncle Pomai”, as I’ve never felt “old” enough in relation to them to have that title. Therefore, ever since a young kid, my nieces and nephews always just call me “Pomai”.
I agree with rayboyjr and freerangenan – it’s hard to know sometimes what to respectfully call someone you don’t know. I CAN tell you that the quickest way to tick me off is to call me “sweetheart,” esp. if the speaker is a young man who doesn’t know me. THAT is disrespectful, esp. if I am a customer. I took a young man to task for calling me that, and he was mystified as to why that was a problem. “What should I call you?” he asked me. “I have a name, it’s on that form in front of you – use that,” I said.
When you’re 60, anything shy of 70 is going to seem young. I’m now knocking on the door of 52, and, at age 15, age 39 seemed ancient to me.
As to being called Ma’am, I know it’s a shock. My own similar shock came when, in the workplace, most new employees in their 20s were calling me “Mr.” WildeOscar. If I had to ask them more than once to call me by my first name, I knew that they perceived me to be older than their parents, and the parents of their friends, which I guess I am for many.
I suppose I should look at it as a sign of respect… But it makes me feel so OLD. I guess I have to accept that I’m not 25 anymore!
I’ve been called ma’am several times. Once at the deli at Campus Center. Another time at a restaurant in Cali. Once, and the most embarassing, on the upper decks of Pink’s Garage by a large man that wanted to dance.
The worst part?
I’m a dude.
When you have kids, then you start being called “Name of your kid’s Mom.” Before I had kids, I thought it was the weirdest thing and thought it was a bit offensive. But now that I have kids, I actually love it. “Hi Cody’s Mom!” “There’s Cody’s Mom”!” Bye Cody’s Mom!” Yes, my name is CODY’S MOM! 🙂
I completely understand! Southern transplant here going on 12 years in the south. I grew up in New Hampshire where in most instances if you called a woman Ma’am she will say “Don’t call me Ma’am!!!” so I brought up to use the term Ms, Miss, Sir, and if you know the adults name you used Miss Dawn, etc to address anyone out in public, and when around friends you used dude or bud. Well……. upon my transplant I had a rude awakening to learn that Ma’am and Sir are expected here in the great ole state of Alabama and if not used it’s taken quite literally as an insult. Not to mention if you ever call your manager dude by accident you might just be on the fence of a write-up! Well, I can tell you it still makes me feel old hearing it but I sure have taken up using it in my everyday speech.I just ignore the Ma’ams when I hear them and keep it truckin sister! Love and peace to you all!
Im 32, sometimes I get called Miss, sometimes I get called Ma’am, I am a Ma’am I feel like, as I am a badass mom and I’m married and I’m such a woman(: but I internally cringe when someone calls me Ma’am. I am from Texas and I’ll never get used to being called Ma’am.
“Call me ma’am when I’m 60 and deserve it.”
I’m exactly 60. What makes you think I like that shit?